Donald Trump Signs Executive Order Mandating No-Trespass Orders Against Parents Who Bring Babies and Loud Children into Movie Theatres

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Local movie theatre goers were SHOOKETH when they discovered that a recent executive order mandating the forcible ejection and immediate no-trespass of all parents bringing babies and refusing to calm small children was signed into law on 3/10/2026. He described his plans at a press conference yesterday afternoon:

"It's been a good first year, very good year. On this day sealed with my hand, I will sign an executive order permanently ejecting any persons of eighteen (18) years and older with one or more of the following:

    (1) A baby or otherwise small infant that cannot control its loud noises due to its young age (0-24                 months).

    (2) A small child in control of their emotions after verbal three warnings to tell the child to stop talking     during the movie (2-17 years, yes, teenagers are still children under 42 U.S.C. § 1437d(q)(8)(A).

This order is effective immediately on March 10, 2026."

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