Ope-Ed: I Spoke Out Against These Two... SpongeBob Was a Player in College and Patrick Star Stalked Me and I Faced Our Culture's Wrath

Arrrr ya ready kids?

Probably not, that sounds a bit TOO Captain Jack-y for MY taste...

I used to work at the Krusty Krab and the insistence of greedy Jews like Mr. Krabs (totally a Sun Sign Cancer), I was ENSLAAAVED in unsanitary conditions and NOBODY in the police took my complaint seriously when I was gaslit and silenced by SpongeBob SquarePants, a major playboy in college who cheated on me and blamed me on our first date when he was hiding another girl.

Years later, I was finally awarded a one-year restraining order against Patrick Star. He felt entitled to my affections and I didn't feel safe at home. I tried telling police, but they just didn't understand why I complained.

I was censored, tortured and beaten to death by the conservatives simply for speaking out and trying to tell jokes with my friends and living my life.

I am Palestinian, queer, totally shipping these two, and silent no longer.