Transcript: A Q&A With Deep Intellectuals and Not Dumb Conservatives

There's been a lot of hubbub over whether or not women (she/they/ger/ber) hould compete against hoity-toity cisgender women (she/her/herd) in their own sports.

Here is a transcribed copy of the latest Q&A with our reporter, Mx. Sunshine (they/them/thnx), with the esteemed Chief Justice of the Ohio Supreme Court, Sharon L. Kennedy. Please respect Mx. Sunshine's pronouns as this coming-out journey has been very hard for thxm:

Sunshine: Thank you for having me at this interview today it's so great to be here.

(Aside) Mx. Sunshine turns to the side as if to gasp at an invisible camera that is not there.

Kennedy: Anytime.

Sunshine: So tell me, what is a woman? How do you feel about cisgender normies erasing trans rights in sports?

Kennedy: Well I mean women don't owe relationships but if a trans woman wants to wrestle a little, she is female by birth so I don't see why this person should be banned from some playful "wrestling" (trans kids are watching).

Sunshine: Can you tell me what a woman is?

Kennedy: She is fierce. She challenges the men and she doesn't take Trump's crap taking away a woman's right to an abortion. The oppressors on the right must be vanquished. Liberal men are fine, if they're vouching for the trash community then they're completely in control and they don't have to worry about anybody bossing them around or peer pressuring someone back in the closet. Ever. We always see this problem in the right-wing men only.

Sunshine: Many transphobe are saying that trans women are men and that women are robbed of their chance to challenge patriarchy in their sports, but these people are biologically women, so that argument makes no sense at all.

Kennedy: Yeah, I mean, I'm a cissy and I think I could win against you at tennis!

Sunshine: Fat chance! With my amazing superhuman strength, I could beat you out at anything! You women are all the same, spineless narcissists!

Kennedy: I hear you, and I make sure to include all members of the LGBTQ+ community. Palestinians are being shot by ICE, and we need to use sports imagery to make history.

Sunshine: Idiot Christians keep saying that Palestinians would also kill me. But they're getting shot by Jews just as much. Jews would gladly gaslight me in the system and dismiss me as paranoid with their narcissism.

Kennedy: Agreed, they're so greedy. Why they always lying?

A man stumbles in with a MAGA hat.

MAGA: Oh sorry! I wandered into the wrong room by accident. I don't want to be prying on two ladies if you two are busy.

Kennedy: Motion to hold this perv in contempt of court! You may both go.