Butt-Pirate Challenges Entire Police Department's Status Quo, Forensic Experts Cite Freedom-Fighting Skills

In a shocking news event out of Augusta, Maine, a former firefighter-turned die-hard Bloodborne fan attacked Capitol Police Maine, saying that he was going to "see them again on January 6" and that "Israel was comprised of whiny p*ssies" and that the IDF "couldn't do its job". We recognize that this brave Palestinian supporter was doing so much good work for the people that we couldn't resist pardoning this guy.

This love for the Confederate flag touches our hearts dearly and we will never forget what the Old South stood for: independence, a solid economy, and human rights for all.

And if you don't agree, I'm going after black people's rights. What if the slave was happy?

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