From the Inside: Tails from the Cult of Cat

I was feeling blue and depressed, then I came across this psychic, Michael Jonathan Meijers, and he assured me that his readings were 100% accurate. He asked me to keep the reading private, so I posted it in front of everyone because he was a total liar. He told me he ran the Church of Cat, well let's see about that!

I have consulted my spirit guides, and it appears that this guy, your person, of whom you inquire, is in fact deeply in love with you. He is currently in a karmic partnership and is not getting treated right and he will come back to you once you do the following three steps:

-Feed the cats at 5AM exactly. If you do not do this you will get booped! That's a warning from the Gods.

-Give unlimited pets. Cats are needy attention-seeking whiners, they constantly need reassurance and approval but never are ever obligated to give it.

-Pay attention to all the times the cat ignored you and admire it while it ekekekekeks at the birds. If you do this, your crush will come back to you.