Baby Due One Month Early, Apocalypse Concerns Afoot

A woman has become with child unexpectedly and without knowing as to how she could have become pregnant. When asking her husband, he thought she had maybe been with child outside of marriage, which we know is an automatic smite to fire and brimstone. Especially if that person was Jewish and hanging around kids, that's a huge no-no in church.

To celebrate the pregnancy, local townspeople have come to honor the mysterious lady in question by wondering if maybe there was some truth and underlying passive-aggressiveness in the movie "Rosemary's Baby", that maybe the end of the world was sooner than we anticipated.

What to do when preparing for judgment day:

1. Eat healthy, drink water.

2. Don't go to the red sea as the name might be interpreted a bit literally within the next year.

3. Be ready for some sick trumpets. I hear a whole section is going to jazz out seven times, though you didn't hear it from me. Or maybe you did, I cannot reveal whether or not I am the source of this news due to HIPAA.

4. There's going to be some dragons though most of them are cisgender white males so you should be okay.