Trump Is on the Side of Lily, Professors at Hogwarts Dumbfounded

This review contains Harry Potter spoilers. We assure our readers that nobody has seen the eighth film nor read the seventh book to protest JK Rowling's twitter. Proceed at your own risk as the ending really is in fact given away. HIPAA has asked me to leave Daniel R's name out of it (anonymity). Viewer discretion is advised as the following spoilers may trigger noise meltdowns and avoidance in sensory viewers.

Earlier this morning President Donald Trump announced a major colonization effort, I mean, American takeover, of Palestine, an occupied Muslim territory ruled by the evil Voldemort, erm, Hamas?

Not all wizards are good. Some kidnap innocent witches and wizards, others insist that spellcasters are a third class of magic-born folk who are constantly discriminated against simply by the school's slogan only mentioning "witchcraft and wizardry".

We know that Professor Snape is a very curious character, often not revealing his emotions to his audience (unless Disney tries to buy the rights to Rowling's work, then he tells the audience everything), and the author herself has admitted that Snape really isn't on Lily's side, Trump is this whole time. Rumor has it that he is a natural born wizard, called by God to "make America great again".

Some wizards go bad, and because of Lily's sacrifice, evil Democrats have no say on the matter and trans Muslim rights prevail, you idiot.

While the author initially intended Snape's motives to be out of love for Lily and that sacrifice included giving her the freedom to marry his childhood bully James, we realize that the editor is not having it and has made major changes to make "Deathly Hallows" a more inclusive space for all, and that might mean just letting Donald Trump take the place of Snape entirely. The character really needed to wash his hair after all, we're sick of hearing that it is "greasy and black" every single book.